Friday, February 3, 2017


This is not a Public Service Announcement. But if it was I would tell you to go and get your prostate checked regularly and get your Prostate Specific Antigen number every so often so you can establish a trend. You need a trend because when on occasion you have a high PSA number and the Doctor calls you on your cell phone which you answered in the car over bluetooth at high volume and he tells you that he is referring you to a specialist because he thinks your PSA result is serious, you can tell him it's always that high or damn that's low, or WTF I'm dying Doc!

While trying to stay on the road, thinking about prostate cancer I get a call from the specialist who sets up an appointment three months later. Three months? What the fuck! I thought this was serious?

January in Western New York finally arrives and we drive to South Carolina. I continue on because my specialist is in Vero Beach. Don't ask. So this whole time since my doctor called me about my high PSA number I have been thinking about all the indicators of prostate cancer. After a few months I was convincing myself I had symptoms. I get to the specialist and I wait for an hour in the lobby. Then I wait for an hour in the exam room. The exam room has a counter with tubes of KY jelly just randomly scattered about. Damn. This is going to be awful. The nurse comes in and takes me to a conference room where I wait another 45 minutes. OK, this is getting annoying. Doc comes in and shoots the shit with me and then says it's time for the exam. "Here in the conference room?" Absolutely not he says and scowls at me. I follow him to another exam room and oh look, more tubes.

[Time lapse]

He apologizes for his thoroughness and removes his gloves. He says he didn't find a problem. He said I have a healthy prostate. He also said he wants another PSA test. He needs a trend. Two makes a trend?

Doc sends in a nurse. Nurse says my veins in my arm run the opposite of everyone else. I tell her I am an early prototype and this was corrected in later models. They made my head smaller as well. She missed my vein. It hurt. She stuck me again and got blood but it still hurt. She sucks at taking blood.

The doc comes back in and wants a phone number. He repeats the question because I was too focused on my poorly routed veins. Sorry Doc but I will be in Trinidad. OK he says, clearly not knowing where Trinidad is. Is email OK? He asks the nurse who says no friggin way can she email lab results. Call us if you can.
"What if the PSA number is huge and I need to get treatment?" Well, I can't email. Sorry. Regulations.

So after a week I Skyped the doc and got my number and it was normal. I would like to say I am relieved but I can't stop thinking my veins are all wrong.


Get an exam. Develop a trend. Let me know which way your veins are routed.

posted from Bloggeroid