Monday, October 22, 2012

South, North, South, North

In the past six weeks, I have taken a boat south, driven a car north, driven a car south again, taken the boat south, hopped a plane north, driven a car south, and now took a plane north. Geez, am I coming or going?  I've also been through the TSA gauntlet several times recently, and the last time was a bit extreme. I personally do not like going through X-ray scanners. I think they are a hazard, and a scam that Bush's toady Chertoff is now making gobs of money from, so I am inclined to refuse, or "Opt out" according to the TSA lingo. When I opted out Sunday, I was told that it would be a while and I would miss my flight. Damn! So, like all the other sheep I got radiated. After I got through the cancer generator, they had me place my feet onto the yellow footprints and they frisked me anyway! I told the freak with his backhand on my balls that I went through the damn x-ray, so why do I have to get felt up right now? I was told that I would be better off just doing what I'm asked to do so I can get through without delays. Now, I think I got palmed because I grumbled about taking off my belt, and having to hold up my pants, while walking in my socks, and having my laptop, wallet and personal belongings sitting on a belt on the other side of the fence. Apparently they are trained to spot grumpy old men.

After I got felt up, I waited for my stuff to get through the damn x-ray, but the woman in front of me had an iPad stashed in her bag, which caused all sorts of concern. I had a nook in my bag, but apparently it's not as deadly as the iPad. Instead of opening the bag, and removing the damn iPad, they kept putting it through the x-ray and looking at the pretty picture. At this point I had about 5 minutes to get to my gate. "Just open the damn bag up and look inside, or take it somewhere else so the rest of us can actually make a flight today!"  That did not go over well, and I then had my bag emptied of it's stuff onto a nice quiet table away from the other folks. While I explained the small aerosol can of old spice Fiji (I like to smell like the beach), and trying to get dressed, they told me that all the delays are because of people like me carrying things they're not supposed to. "This exact bag went through last week, guess you missed it then! Just take out whatever you think would be nice to take home, or toss it in the garbage and let me make my flight please!!" My bag was given (thrown) at me, I mumbled "assholes!" and I ran to the gate trying to buckle up my pants, with one sneaker untied. I was the last person to get on the damn plane, and the door closed as I sat down. Phew!  My next flight I will be on that "list". The one containing all the angry people. I'm sure I will be felt up from here on out, on every flight I ever take. I'm usually quite polite and cooperative. It must be lack of sleep that makes me grumpy.

more TSA cartoons

The drive down in the Saturn was without incident. I left work, and drove about eight hours south to just north of Richmond Va. As I passed through Baltimore I kept saying, just a little further and I'll get a room and sleep. Well, a little further and I was in a traffic jam of epic proportion. A midnight traffic jam! C'mon man! They had about four lanes squeezed down to one, and the only guy working had a saw, cutting the pavement with four guys watching, at the last few cones. As pissed off as people were, I'm surprised they weren't shot at, or run over. At two in the morning I pulled off, and fell into bed. The  rest of the trip was boring as hell, and I stayed awake with coffee, and junk food. One girl at a gas station saw what I was buying, and slowly slid a bottle of 5 hour energy in front of me. "You want my heart to explode? No thanks." She said it works great, and it will be fine. I did not take the advice from the 19 yr old Redbull addict. She had a can on the counter behind her, along with a breakfast burrito. I could not imagine what that combo would do to me. I give her praise.
To stay awake it was coffee, and junk food. Eating a bag of twizzlers was not a good idea, but they are great in making walrus tusks, or a red Fu Manchu for the other drivers. Most look away and speed up. The pumpkin seeds were addicting, but very salty, which made me drink all the water, requiring me to stop and empty the bladder, and then buy some more crap to eat. I really need to detox.

Saw some cotton for the first time. I have never seen it with actual cotton in bloom.

I was so tired, and anxious to spend time with Deb, that I never stopped at South of the Border. Something about that trashy place, and it's trashy stuff that makes me want to go there. It's not as fun as it used to be, as the trash is not so unique anymore. Still, I think in January we will pull over for some cheap stuff during our hippie trip in the van. The kids are joining me in my last drive south in January, when we hit the road in the old Chevy van to a new life for Deb and I.

Kelly and Eric and their great friends are trying their best to entertain me, and I am having fun, but I have to be honest, it's not the same if I can't share it with Deb..


Lonely in Rochester.


  1. I think you have issues with authority... first the boss, then the Feds at Lock #1, now the TSA. Careful, the WPP handlers only have so much patience. You might end up in Michigan...

    1. I guess that's why I decided the military was a bad fit. I chose engineering instead. What the hell was I thinking? I couldn't think of a worse scenario than ending up in Mich...oops, sorry dude.

  2. Well at least you picked a reliable car to do the trip in...we have a 97 Saturn with 218K on it. The damn thing just won't die. Original clutch that taught 5 drivers to drive a stick shift. The only thing we've ever had to do to it was to fix the air conditioner.

    S/V Kintala

    1. That's an amazing car, with an excellent emission system ;) At least someone got a good car in '97.

      We're almost at 200K with the '02 chevy van, which I leave NY with in January. Keeping my fingers crossed. Not sure she can handle another winter up here. 218k on the clutch?? Maybe I'll buy an old Saturn when the Venture goes.